WOW!!! Been a LOOOONNNNNGGGG While

Knock, knock - anyone home? 

It's been a while since I've been on here - pretty much because my life has sucked ass over the past year.  It would be awesome fodder for a blog post, but I don't know you people.

It is random Tuesday (cliché, I know), so off with some randomness...

1.  I managed to gain 5lbs. over the holidays, which sucks ass.  but the fact that my dog is 8lbs. over weight makes me feel better that I'm not suffering alone. 

2.  Due to the above mentioned 5lbs. I actually did 2 workout videos this week (heaven forbid I drive the 4 miles to the gym).  The 2nd was a Pilates/Cardio workout that has totally kicked my ass.  It's been 2 days and it hurts to even touch my quads. 

3.  Items 1 & 2 DOES NOT mean that I have a New Years resolution of becoming healthier & fitter... I just know my ass better than that and don't want to set myself up for failure.

4.  Saw Black Swan this weekend with Portman and Mila Kunis.... Anyone else seen this total mind F!c#$ of a movie?  Holy shit, what a trip.  There's no way to explain it, you'll just have to see it for yourself.

I have now officially wasted too much time, back to work.

Later folks!!!  I am going to try to post more in 2011

Shit!! .... Literally

How in the world would you react to something like this....



Does anyone know what that says at the end?

this just tickles the shit out of me

Holy Crap, for the Love of All that's good and Holy!!

I was too shitfaced to blog Saturday, Sunday I was too hungover, yesterday was insane because the boss man was out sick, so I'm a few days late on this but....

ROOOOOOLLLLL TTTIIIIDDDDEEEE!!!!!!! 

Suck it Florida!!!!

Debutants & Sweat Pants

HAPPY MONDAY!!!  (note the dripping sarcasm)

I'm seriously NOT happy that the long weekend is over.  After 4 days of laying around like beached whale, devouring leftovers in my favorite pair of bleached spotted 15 y/o sweat pants and 20 y/o sweat shirt, I DID NOT want to be here today.  And it doesn't help that it's pointing towards a slow day which causes a shift in space/time making my 9 hours to feel like 14!

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I have a new neighbor that lives in the condo below me.  He's a strapping young twenty-something who bartends at a local night club on weekends.  I've seen various young tramps ladies coming and going in the wee hours of the morning in their whorish outfits lovely evening attire.  But this weekends conquest was a genuine debutant, leaving at a respectable 8:30 (not too early to be sneaking out, not to late so as to not seem needy to the young man), donning one of his t-shirts, a pair of sneakers, a black micro-mini…… carrying her clip-on hair.  I SHIT YOU NOT!!!  Ho mama was waving around the faux locks while jabbering on the phone.  No doubt talking to one of her friends that she ditched at the bar to bone the bartender.  Class act!!! 

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Well, it's official.  I'm going on a strict diet.  After the above mentioned laying around this weekend, I gained 3 more pounds.  That's a total of 14 lbs this year.  While some of you may feel 14lbs. Is a drop in the bucket, 14lbs. On my short ass…. NOT COOL.  The thing is - we're broke as a haint and diet food is expensive as shit.  I have 2 pair of pants that I can squeeze into and no money to be wasting on clothes.  Especially when I have a closet full of perfectly fine clothes, I just need to loose about 10 lbs. to get in them!!!  I really need to join Weight Watchers again, but that's not going to happen.  I think I'll just try and cut the beer out.  Me and Sugar Britches went through almost 2 cases this weekend.  That's a shit load of beer for 2 people.  But hey, we're rednecks, it's what we do. 

Converstations with Granny Part 1

Wow!  2 days in a row! 

My mother is a lovely little 72 y/o woman.  Soft spoken, God fearing, southern lady, who has a tendency to say some crazy shit.   I've decided to share with you, on an ongoing basis, what I like to call.... Conversations with Granny.  (we ALL started calling her Granny after the first grandchild was born - have no idea why)... kinda like Postcards from Yo Momma, but yeah, not cause this is MY mama not YO mama


This is an email I recieved from her several weeks ago after I inquired about a Sunday School luncheon she went to....

"Yes, sat by an old woman and her son "the psycitricist" (sp)  I had wondered for a long time who they were.  She is real old on a walker he has a practice in New Orleans and flys up here every weekend to be with her.  He was entertainging. Of questionable gender.  But oh my "good looking".  Just like most of "them"...."  

I spoke with her yesterday discussing the slaw she just made...

Granny:  I just got through with the marinated slaw - it makes me feel like Christmas!
Me: What the hell?  Slaw makes you feel like Christmas?
Granny:  Yeah, it's green, red, & white. You know, Christmas.
Me:  I'm so going to post that
Granny: What does that mean?
Me: oh, nothing

I'm confident that I'll be able to make this a regular feature to share with the two people who read this blog masses.


have a Happy Thanksgiving! 

drugs and the holidays......

 In the spirit of actually posting something I decided to participate in Random Tuesday Thoughts. Just steal the little pic for your blog and then mind dump.

Zoloft is the nectar of the gods. I was going bat shit crazy there for a while due to stress of living with someone with asshole tenancies, my natural predisposition to worry like a pro, and lack of funds coming in.  Been on the shit for a couple of weeks now.  I'm sleeping MUCH better, not crying, and I could give a shit when Sugar Britches decides he's going to act like a 14 y/o girl with PMS.

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Thanks to Moooog over at Mental Poo for sharing this post today. You know it's going to be a great day when you spew coffee out your nose first thing in the morning. That shit is FUNNY!

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I'm going to come out and say it.... the holidays SUCK.  I don't like all the family functions.  Not to say that I don't love my family. But shit, we all live within 20 miles of each other.  I see them all the time.  I want a day off where I don't have to do shit, especially when it involves listing to my SIL recount how she's done everything and had every experience everyone else has. And listen to my worthless niece who likes to be the center of attention by literally talking over everyone. Ack!  I really wish the dr. had prescribed some Valium with the Zoloft! Or that we were Catholic so I could drink.  Either would work.

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My mother is a kitchen nazi, bad.  She never taught any of us to cook because she would get impatient and kick us out so she could get it done.  Every year at Thanksgiving/Christmas she says she's not going to cook, then emails everyone a list of what they're to bring.  

Last year, I started off being told to bring green beans, corn, dessert, tea, and ice.  About a week before, I start getting emails... "I've got the green beans covered, I found them on sale, you don't need to bring any". Then it was, "don't worry about the corn, I have some in the freezer", then it was, "don't bring tea, I made 12 gallons this morning, I was scared you'd forget, I hope that it's enough"! My sister and SIL both received similar emails relieving them of cooking duty dish by dish.  By the time I rolled into the house that day, all I had was a bag of ice.   

Then we get the announcement from mama.... "I'm not doing this again next year if no one else is going to cook!"

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Modern Family.... have you seen this shit!!!  OMG one of my new favorite shows!  I would post a clip from it, but I honestly can't narrow it down to my favorite. Just go watch all the episodes right now,  you won't be disappointed!

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That's all I've got for today.  Maybe now that the drugs have taken hold, I will be in the mood to post/comment more.  

If not, I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving!